I weighed myself this morning and I lost 4 pounds over the past 24 hours. Back below the 130 mark. That part of my Emotional Mind feels relief. I’m about mad and frustrated though that this is the way things are…that I have to smoke again to get my body working again…that smoking does this for me and my body is addicted to the cigarettes. I’ve smoked and quit smoking probably 20 times in my life with about 6 times being over the last 5 months…I’ve never had this kind of problem before when I’ve quit smoking. My body has never reacted like this. For me, quitting smoking has always been a choice…a decision. I would decide to quit and I quit…and that was that. I was fine. It was a no big deal type of thing. It was a decision.
Today, it’s not just a decision. It’s not so easy. I’m having big major problems quitting. My body is addicted and it’s causing me big major problems. That makes me angry / frustrated because I want to be in control of my body and my life. I want to be able to make decisions about my behavior…and to be able to change my behavior without all these problems. I want to decide to do something…and then it happens. I did quit smoking for 10 days because I set my mind to it…but then, something happened. The something that happened is that a big boulder fell out of the sky and slammed right into the middle of my recovery path. That something was the bloating, constipation, and subsequent MASSIVE weight gain. My reality changed. Things aren’t the same as they used to be. I have something new to deal with.
That reality is that I’m not 16 or 25 or 35 anymore. I’m getting older and my body is changing. Things aren’t the same as they were before when I’ve successfully quit smoking…and my task in life right now is to adjust and deal with my new reality. My reality is…my body is having a major GI (gastrointestinal) response to withdrawal from cigarettes. My body is reacting in a big way. My reality is that to be successful with quitting smoking, I am going to have to find a way around, over, through, or passed this big obstacle in my recovery path. I am going to have to find a way to deal with it.
A bit of history. I have lost 145 pounds over the last 4 years. I was never FAT until I got FAT at about the age of 29. I was usually in the 115 to 135 range…but then, marriage to a man that eats, children, and a job AND a business away from home that created a chaotic out-of-control eating lifestyle…led me to gain a pound or so a month…over many months…to become VERY overweight. This is another story and over time, I’ll blog about it. But today, I’ve lost a ton of weight…and I am determined NOT to get fat again. I don’t want to go back there again.
So, it really alarms me when my weight starts going up and I’m NOT IN CONTROL. Since I quit smoking 10 days ago, my weight went up 7 pounds. The last day before I quit smoking, it jumped two pounds. Rationally, I know it’s not real weight, granted maybe ½ a pound of it is because I was eating a bit more those days. However, I went up two pant sizes and even the bigger size was a little tight. My Emotional Mind was very disturbed. If we can even call it Wise Mind…it kicked in and said smoke again, get your weight back down, and get a new Game Plan. That sounds like a horrible Emotion-Driven Lie I told myself. However, I know me and I know my sense of determination and I can get away with that. I am bound and determined to kick this smoking thing because I don’t want to be 65 and tied to an oxygen tank. I have other plans for my life and it doesn’t include toting around an oxygen tank. I will find a way to make this happen…one way or another…and come hail or high water.
I still have some options. I can talk with a doctor and find out if a patch or a pill can ease my physiological withdrawal from cigarettes and can keep my body from reacting so intensely to the lack of whatever poison it is in cigarettes that is causing this bloating, constipation, and major weight gain. I can start exercising regularly to keep my metabolism up and to offset the increase in calories. I can ask my family NOT to bring ANYTHING in the house that will tempt me to eat…to hide it in their room, leave it in the car, but to keep it out of my range of vision. In the last few days, Sour Cream and Onion Lays potato chips came in the house and a box of Reeses’ cereal. Even snacking on those added 300 calories to my day…on Thursday…the day I decided to smoke again. I can also make some calorie / diet changes to what I normally eat on my own and without temptation from others. I can adjust my routine diet. I’m not done yet. I still have some options…and I still have a helluva lot of fight inside me to get past and through this tough time. Come hail or high water and boulders that fall out of the sky, I will make it through…because it is important to me to quit smoking. Do pray for me because I really want this to happen…and I need all the help I can get!
Copyright Statement: Material contained within this blog is copyrighted protected with all rights reserved © Melanie Gordon Sheets commencing in 2009 and extending through the present age. Please request permission to quote or otherwise use material obtained from this blog by emailing: firstname.lastname@example.org
Please visit the website www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com for more information about the DBT-CBT Workbook. The full title is “Out-of-Control: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Workbook for Getting Control of Our Emotions and Emotion-Driven Behavior” – Recovery Works Publications, 2009.